our story.

Our story was left unfinished,
Got cut off mid-sentence
And in between the beginning and the end.
Maybe that was how it was supposed to be;
Maybe my 365-paged novel
That was dedicated solely to you
Was meant to be left unwritten,
And that no matter how many times I edit it,
How many times I scribble over mistakes,
How many times I try to erase the unnecessary things I never meant to say,
The main characters weren’t meant for each other
Even if they believed it.
I didn’t mean for this to end so abruptly;
I was so ready to draft out the sequels,
But I was left uninspired
And the words just didn’t come out right.
Our story was left unfinished,
But that doesn’t mean it was never important,
That it wasn’t special,
That it doesn’t deserve recognition.
It will stick out from the bookcase
It’s stored in
And even as the pages are filled with dust
And overspilling thoughts across the margins,
I will remember to always come back to it,
Always remember to go back to the doggy-eared pages
Meant for memories that we wrote together,
Always remember to read over the passages
That I highlighted
That were of the moments we created.
One day,
You are going to find someone
Who will write about your story
About how you came to be,
And she will write sequels
Meant only for you,
And you’ll read it to your children,
And your story will get published
Even with its mistakes
And doggy eared pages
And highlighted areas.
One day
That will happen
And I hope to read it
Someday
So I can imagine how happy you are
With the person who was meant to write you novels,
And not just poems
And love notes on binder paper
And unwritten stories about your adventures together,
And this will happen
And i can’t wait to read it

last.

I always thought I’d never get over you
I spent so many months
lost and confused,
Wondering when you were gonna come back home
You never did

And for awhile I lost all hope on love
When you give your all to someone
And they never give it back to you,
It becomes difficult to trust others

After you,
I made sure to stitch myself together with my own fingers
And I shoved away any sort of emotion I had in a box
Along with every memory I had of you
I taped it all over
and wrote my name and address in the center
At least if I ever think of sending it to someone else,
It will only come back to me

I swore I would never write about you again
But here I am
I just hope you know
I feel indifferent when it comes to you

Thanks to you,
I know how to love differently
To be cautious
But to love completely

Though I learned how to be guarded,
After you,
I learned who to trust with my all,
To never give it up so easily

After you,
I learned how to place warning signs all over me,
And how to wrap caution tape
All over the hands you used to hold
And the lips you used to kiss

After you,
I was a crime scene
Of spilt poetry and deleted lines
But after you
Was when I learned how to love properly

seasons.

I wish I’d known how much I meant to you
Because I still stay up until late hours of the night trying to piece together the what ifs
We left things open-ended,
Left the house we called a home burning
And we never found our way back
To the beginning
Where everything was picture perfect,
Placed on top of the mantle piece with a bow on top
Presents were left to rot under the Christmas tree we put up together
Along with unspoken apologies

I wish I knew exactly what I meant to you
Because I knew that you were the beginning of Summer,
The kind of calm and chaos rolled into one
With orange sunsets and green lights flashing at the horizon
You were the kind of mornings I looked forward to every night,
The type of lazy days I wish I had everyday
By the time Autumn fell and the leaves changed colors,
I knew you were something different
And I fell in love with the way the leaves laid to rest on the floor
And the way the winds blew them away from home
By Winter,
All the leaves were gone
Along with the person I knew
I just wanna know if the seasons mean as much to you as they did to me
Because it’s Spring
And the leaves are returning
Just how we go about each other every season of every year
Just like how I constantly return back to the point of where we met
Trying to find pieces of the memories we left
I’m forging letters upon letters for you,
Knitting words of poetry to you,
I’m sorry this gets repetitive
Because everything I write is about you
I just want to know if they ever meant anything to you
Did the seasons ever mean anything to you?

warning.

I was born with birthmarks etched onto my skin
And I’ve acquired many scars
From all the battles I’ve fought with myself
But it wasn’t until you came marching into my battlefield
On your white horse
Disguised as my knight-in-shining armor
That I gained the title
“WARNING: MAY HARM YOU”

I’ve received medal of honors
From barely escaping the war zone
But never have I ever received an award
As charming as this,
Especially when it came from
The self-proclaimed commander-in-chief of the red army.
All the false pacts we’ve written before
No longer matter,
And it only took a couple of months
For us to forget the promised truths.
You know I only meant to save you,
To leave you unharmed,
And you meant the same for me
But instead of standing side-by-side
On the trenches we’ve built together,
We landed on opposing fields.
I claimed you my savior,
Yet all I get is the title of WARNING?

We’ve written peace treaties before,
We were allies once upon a time,
And you thought I was the princess;
You wanted to swoop me up
And take me on a ride on your stupid horse that can’t even gallop correctly.
You thought I wanted the crown
And all the glory that came from being royal.
You didn’t want me up on the front with you,
You needed me safe, I know,
But I can fight for myself
Even if it’s you I’m up against.
So give me my glass slipper now,
I can put it on myself.
Give me a sword instead of this plastic tiara on my head.
I don’t need your hand to get me back up,
So don’t offer it
Unless you want it cut off
And returned to you on a silver platter.

It’s funny how things work out,
How they never go the way we ever want it to,
And I swear
I would’ve hid my armor a long time ago
If I hadn’t known that this would turn into an all-out war.
We slipped and tripped
And came running back full-force
But betrayal happens every so often,
Our backs were turned towards each other
And I could say the steel from this knife I hide under my dress
Slipped
Like we did
And fell onto your back
And I could say that I tripped
On these glass slippers you gave me
But they’re both false truths
Like the pacts we wrote before.

So forgive me
For being a back-stabbing princess
And go on,
Call me and label me as a warning
Stamped with your approval,
And I swear
I’ll wear it with
Honor and pride
Like how I wore your heart on my sleeve once upon a time,
And I’ll have it etched onto me
In permanent ink
So it can stain my pretty skin
Forever and ever.
Just like my birthmarks and my scars,
It will stay with me wherever I go,
Until the day I die,
Until the day I’m buried six feet under
With all of my past mistakes.

Go on,
Warn other people
About how much harm my presence will bring into their lives,
But it’s not like I never warned you either,
So don’t act like you were hurt the most
After the whole ordeal is done.
We’re both as bruised
And scarred as the other;
Don’t act like the victim here
Because you injured me as well,
Or have you forgotten?
Did you forget that you left me alone
Without telling me?
Did you forget that you gave me no explanation,
No written apology?
Have you forgotten that?
I can’t say that I blame you,
I would’ve left me too
If I had the chance,
But because you so blindingly placed this title upon me,
I will wear it honorably
Because of this war
Because of you
That way others won’t have to get into my battlefield
With false hopes
And wild dreams
About saving a princess dressed in all kinds of dresses.
I’ll meet them up in the front,
And they will see me
With this sword drenched to the hilt
And with my white armor
Stained scarlet
From the blood of those who’ve betrayed me
And they’ll see you as the warning of what they’re about to get into.

warning.

I was born with birthmarks etched onto my skin
And I’ve acquired many scars
From all the battles I’ve fought with myself
But it wasn’t until you came marching into my battlefield
On your white horse
Disguised as my knight-in-shining armor
That I gained the title
“WARNING: MAY HARM YOU”

I’ve received medal of honors
From barely escaping the war zone
But never have I ever received an award
As charming as this,
Especially when it came from
The self-proclaimed commander-in-chief of the red army.
All the false pacts we’ve written before
No longer matter,
And it only took a couple of months
For us to forget the promised truths.
You know I only meant to save you,
To leave you unharmed,
And you meant the same for me
But instead of standing side-by-side
On the trenches we’ve built together,
We landed on opposing fields.
I claimed you my savior,
Yet all I get is the title of WARNING?

We’ve written peace treaties before,
We were allies once upon a time,
And you thought I was the princess;
You wanted to swoop me up
And take me on a ride on your stupid horse that can’t even gallop correctly.
You thought I wanted the crown
And all the glory that came from being royal.
You didn’t want me up on the front with you,
You needed me safe, I know,
But I can fight for myself
Even if it’s you I’m up against.
So give me my glass slipper now,
I can put it on myself.
Give me a sword instead of this plastic tiara on my head.
I don’t need your hand to get me back up,
So don’t offer it
Unless you want it cut off
And returned to you on a silver platter.

It’s funny how things work out,
How they never go the way we ever want it to,
And I swear
I would’ve hid my armor a long time ago
If I hadn’t known that this would turn into an all-out war.
We slipped and tripped
And came running back full-force
But betrayal happens every so often,
Our backs were turned towards each other
And I could say the steel from this knife I hide under my dress
Slipped
Like we did
And fell onto your back
And I could say that I tripped
On these glass slippers you gave me
But they’re both false truths
Like the pacts we wrote before.

So forgive me
For being a back-stabbing princess
And go on,
Call me and label me as a warning
Stamped with your approval,
And I swear
I’ll wear it with
Honor and pride
Like how I wore your heart on my sleeve once upon a time,
And I’ll have it etched onto me
In permanent ink
So it can stain my pretty skin
Forever and ever.
Just like my birthmarks and my scars,
It will stay with me wherever I go,
Until the day I die,
Until the day I’m buried six feet under
With all of my past mistakes.

Go on,
Warn other people
About how much harm my presence will bring into their lives,
But it’s not like I never warned you either,
So don’t act like you were hurt the most
After the whole ordeal is done.
We’re both as bruised
And scarred as the other;
Don’t act like the victim here
Because you injured me as well,
Or have you forgotten?
Did you forget that you left me alone
Without telling me?
Did you forget that you gave me no explanation,
No written apology?
Have you forgotten that?
I can’t say that I blame you,
I would’ve left me too
If I had the chance,
But because you so blindingly placed this title upon me,
I will wear it honorably
Because of this war
Because of you
That way others won’t have to get into my battlefield
With false hopes
And wild dreams
About saving a princess dressed in all kinds of dresses.
I’ll meet them up in the front,
And they will see me
With this sword drenched to the hilt
And with my white armor
Stained scarlet
From the blood of those who’ve betrayed me
And they’ll see you as the warning of what they’re about to get into.

jagged.

They used to tell me
That when a mirror breaks,
It’s impossible to repair it
No matter how hard you try
And glue the pieces back together
There’s always going to be cracks in between
Empty spaces and broken fragments
Trust me
I’ve been through this before
But I guess I’ll never learn
Because my room has shelves upon shelves
Of tape and glue
And all the mirrors I’ve shattered
After staring at my face for 17 years
Are nothing but cracks and pieces
Of the old remnants of myself
Trust me
I’ve tried
Tried to throw away shards of broken glass
Of the old me into the trash.
I’ve tried
To stitch the mirrors that once held me together
With string and needles
But they were right,
It is impossible to repair yourself anew
When all you had
Was glass on skin,
Scars on knees,
And hatred for yourself
Trust me
I’ve been through this before
It’s hard to get back up
After years of being pushed back down
There’s no perfect mirror
To anyone
Trust me,
I know
It’s a shame that you can’t replace yourself,
Because if I had that chance,
I would’ve taken it a long time ago
I know
I’m a little jagged along the edges
But trust me
I’m trying
To be better
And it aches me to know that people
Don’t want to acknowledge that
I don’t want to seem blind
Because I see it all the time in my reflection
And I know
There’s no use in being angry
But I can’t help it times
When all I can see is the broken image
Of who I want to be
And who I am
So trust me
I know

stay.

I should’ve loved you more,
Maybe then you would’ve stayed
My mind’s filled of you
Dreaming of how we would’ve been something greater
I should’ve loved you more than anything
I’ve spent most of my time
Watching the sea touch the shoreline
Wishing that was us
That maybe
No matter how many times we drift away from each other
We’d return to where we are meant to be
I’ve spent too much time
Watching the sky shift and move
Thinking about how we’re under the same sun and moon,
And maybe you were thinking the same

post-script.

P.S. I know I told you that some things are better left unsaid,
But I just need you to know a couple of things:

1. I miss you.
I miss all the little things and all the big things,
But overall I just miss all of you.
I know I made it seem like I was okay,
But I’m not
And I’m sorry I hurt you,
I never meant to,
I’m just trying my hardest to get over this bridge built above the tears that I’ve cried over
And I’m trying to mend something that I never knew needed to be mended,
But I just miss you.
I miss how you always seemed to know the right things to say at the right time
And I miss how you were always so stubborn and you always wanted to be right
And we always argued but you didn’t want to admit it.
I miss how tightly you would hold me,
As if I was going to slip from your fingertips and you just begged for me to stay longer in your arms,
I’m just sorry that I always was the one to let go sooner,
And I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to.
I miss how you would touch me at all times,
Not sexually or in any way demeaning and demanding,
But as if you just wanted to know I was still there.
You would nudge me and budge me and playfully push me,
And you would play with my face because you said my cheeks were cute,
And you would play with my hair and my scalp so much to the point where I scratch my head nowadays and hope my hand becomes your fingers
And I can sleep away my anxiety
And I know you’ll be there in the morning,
But that’s just not gonna happen anymore, is it?
I never was one for affection but I miss it
I miss how you’d rub my knees when we watched your favorite shows
And have I mentioned that I miss that too even though I never got the point of it?
We used to watch your favorite sport all the time, and I never understood it but I tried for the sake of you
I miss watching your games,
Being your number one supporter even though I never acted like it,
But I was goddamn proud to be a supporter of number 21.
I hated the way you reeked like sweat after
But I miss seeing you in your natural state,
All worked up with your hair a mess and you were so laidback that way.
If I could have my sweater smell like you in your musk, I would have it and keep it any day.
I miss how you would send me your music,
And you probably dedicated them to me,
But I just acted like I didn’t know anything.
It’s just now I can’t listen to your favorite artists without thinking of you
And I just miss you, I guess.

2. If I had a list of things that I regretted,
Your name wouldn’t be on it.
I do, however, regret not being able to spend my days with you.
I wish I tried,
I know I could have but I didn’t and I’m sorry.
If I could change what happened between us,
I would do so in a heartbeat
And if I could wish that things would go the way we wanted it to,
I would call Genie,
Ask to have more wishes,
And wish for things to be set right.
I’d hold you tight and never let go,
Get down on my knees
And pray to the god I didn’t know I believed in to let me have one more day with you so I can get everything back in order.

3. I don’t have much to say
And I guess that’s my problem.
I think too much
But I say too little.
Things that I meant to say
I never did.
I was always a believer that some things are better left unsaid,
But I guess that I need to tell you that when you left
I took you in like a sunset
I basked under your purple and orange skies
There’s a phenomenon about them,
How a green light flashes every time the sun meets the horizon
As if the two were about to kiss,
And I wanted to know if it was true.
I waited and I waited and I waited
But I never saw it;
Your sun disappeared faster than a blink of an eye
And I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
All I had left was your post-beauty
And I could only wait for the darkness to pass and for the moon to take over
But even then, I could only hope that the sun would rise faster and for the days to pass until the time I get to see you again.

4. I’m an emotional wreck
I like to think that I’m fine
But I’m a car crash,
A train wreck,
A plane crash on an open field
And I only carry the souls of those who have left me behind.
Maybe that’s why I have anxiety,
I don’t want to be alone in the ocean away from all civilization,
But they always told me that isolation’s a way to get to know yourself better,
I just don’t know if I believe in that anymore.
For ten months I relied on you,
Cried to you about stupid problems and stupid people
And you understood my cracks better than I did.
You kept me grounded when all I wanted was to be up in the clouds
But I lost you faster than the speed of an angel,
And maybe you were my angel,
Unforeseen and something from Heaven.
I just never figured it out,
Figured you out
And I wish I did when I had the chance
But I got left behind by God’s child
When I only ever wanted to be the same.
You accepted me when I felt like I didn’t belong,
Praised me when I was at my lowest
Now tell me, who’s going to replace you?

5. I know.
I know things won’t be the same no matter how hard I try to fix it.
I can try to mix all the glues together
And stick the broken vase together
But it’s not going to be smooth
And you’ll still see the cracks.
It’s sad how easily some things can be broken
And how it takes days for wounds to heal
Some may take longer to repair
But broken hearts can’t be mended no matter how hard you try,
How long you wait.
We can replace mirrors,
Replace plates,
Fix cars after a crash,
Repair planes when they malfunction,
But it’s sad how we’re only supposed to live with one heart.
They say that we were born attached to someone else,
We were born with two hearts
But we got separated
And our purpose is to find our other half.
There’s four sides to every puzzle piece
And we can fit each side to another
But the picture can only be whole when all the right sides are attached to one another.
I like to think that that was us for awhile.
We fit together perfectly
But our picture never got finished.
We stopped putting each other together because it was a childish game to play.
We were each other’s halves for awhile
But we weren’t meant for each other.
I think this was us,
But I didn’t want to believe that at the time.

I know some things are better left unsaid,
But I needed you to know these five things.
All stories have a beginning, middle, and end;
Ours was just written in letter,
And this is our post script.

crash.

Is this what it feels like to free fall,
To be completely in love
Only to have it crash and burn
In such a way that I’m still recovering from impact months after the accident?
I’ve been staring at the same white walls
For what seemed like eternity,
Blaming you for keeping me locked up
And keeping the keys.
They told me I was insane
To let myself dive off this cliff we built with our bare hands,
Knowing very well that I can’t swim.
I wanted to use you as my life vest,
To keep me afloat,
To keep my head from going under
When all I ever wanted was to drown
I said,
“I loved you deeper than the ocean, but now I’m drowning in it.”
I guess that’s true.
I never realized that falling head first could be this traumatic.
See I’m alive and well,
But I can’t seem to get you out of my system.
The force of impact didn’t kill me
So I tried to drown myself with tears instead.
They told me that it takes about seven minutes to fully succumb,
For my brain to forget how to breathe,
But 175, 316 minutes have passed and I’m still here
Doing fine without you,
And I guess that that is partly correct,
One half truth,
Other half lie,
Kind of like a two sided coin
I wish it wasn’t like this
Because you give me post-traumatic stress disorder,
Making me stay up at odd hours of the night
Because you plane crash into my dreams,
Leaving me breathless,
Giving me reason not to sleep,
You give me terrifying anxiety,
With my fears creeping up to my throat,
Clutching at my neck,
Making me choke from the very air I breathe,
Breathe
They say
I want to drown
Want to get lost in the depths of the ocean blue
Wishing someone could find the hope that I lost
Hoping that whatever they say was true
About tomorrow happening
Tomorrow was a day I craved for
But I can’t seem to find it
Because tomorrow,
Tomorrow
And tomorrow
Happens like there is no tomorrow
Yesterday happened
And it will come again
Like tomorrow
I will fall again
And pick myself back up
Tomorrow
I will drown again
And struggle to keep afloat
Tomorrow
I will dream about falling off a cliff
And I hope that someone can save me
Tomorrow
Will happen
And that will be the day that you no longer
Invade my bloodstream
No longer take over the cells I need to live
No longer keep me up awake at 3:16 in the morning
I’ve fallen countless times before,
Free-falling with no parachute to help,
And I’ll do it all again
Tomorrow
With someone new

to mourn.

I have counted the number of days that I have worn black for him.
Count my fingers:
Ten digits out of my ten.

For ten days,
I mourned the death of him,
For the departure of his soul from his physical body.
I was on my knees for too long
That I do not even remember its original state.

Forgive me, Father,
For I have sinned.
I have mourned too long over the loss of a loved one,
Mourned too long for a lost love that cannot ever be found,
One that flew too far;
I lost all communication to it,
My brain that was once intertwined with my heart
Was now separated,
And I can no longer remember how to comprehend this loss.

Forgive me, Father,
For I have mourned too much for something that seemed irreplaceable.
I have become too selfish,
Too vain,
And I know you said
That love is patient,
That love is always kind,
That love is never boastful,
But forgive me, Father,
For I have loved him too fast
When all I wanted was to love him slowly,
Slower than the hands of Father Time
Is ticking too fast,
Too quickly for my mouth to catch,
And it has left a bitter after taste on my tongue.
I cannot count how many frown lines,
How many stretch marks,
How many scars
I have etched onto my skin.
See,
I am too vain.
I have become too aware of this appearance,
This mask that conceals me,
And I was drawn to his skin
And the way it was flawless
Even with the whipped blood on his back
And the way his shoulders slumped
From the weight of his burdens.
I wanted to wash his pain away,
To erase them from his sanity
And keep it to myself for safekeeping.
See,
I loved him more than myself.
I would have given up my everything for his happiness,
I would have kept him from all the hurt,
From all the sin he ran away from,
I wanted him for my own selfish needs.
I would have kept him alive
For the sake of me
And in spite of you.

Forgive me, Father,
For I have sinned a great deal
And I pray that you forgive me for them.
I have mourned too long for something that was never real,
I was tempted by the smell of something sweet,
Something delightful
And it was right in the midst of your perfect haven.
Forgive me, Father,
For I was too weak to turn away from the temptation,
And now I am being punished for this foolish mistake.

For ten days,
I mourned for the missing part of me.
The hands that he held so tightly before
Were now replaced by the beads of the chain
That surrounded my tiny neck,
And each shift of my dainty fingers
Make the pressure more unbearable.
Each prayer I give out to the sky
Have been left unanswered;
All my wishes have been left in the dark corners of the church corridors.
The syllables of each rehearsed word I utter
Have formed scarlet welts in my back,
Please
Forgive me, Father,
For mourning him for too long,
Even if it was a day more than you wanted me;
I just did not want him to go,
To leave me behind on this earth,
When I could have been with him
For much longer.