P.S. I know I told you that some things are better left unsaid,
But I just need you to know a couple of things:
1. I miss you.
I miss all the little things and all the big things,
But overall I just miss all of you.
I know I made it seem like I was okay,
But I’m not
And I’m sorry I hurt you,
I never meant to,
I’m just trying my hardest to get over this bridge built above the tears that I’ve cried over
And I’m trying to mend something that I never knew needed to be mended,
But I just miss you.
I miss how you always seemed to know the right things to say at the right time
And I miss how you were always so stubborn and you always wanted to be right
And we always argued but you didn’t want to admit it.
I miss how tightly you would hold me,
As if I was going to slip from your fingertips and you just begged for me to stay longer in your arms,
I’m just sorry that I always was the one to let go sooner,
And I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to.
I miss how you would touch me at all times,
Not sexually or in any way demeaning and demanding,
But as if you just wanted to know I was still there.
You would nudge me and budge me and playfully push me,
And you would play with my face because you said my cheeks were cute,
And you would play with my hair and my scalp so much to the point where I scratch my head nowadays and hope my hand becomes your fingers
And I can sleep away my anxiety
And I know you’ll be there in the morning,
But that’s just not gonna happen anymore, is it?
I never was one for affection but I miss it
I miss how you’d rub my knees when we watched your favorite shows
And have I mentioned that I miss that too even though I never got the point of it?
We used to watch your favorite sport all the time, and I never understood it but I tried for the sake of you
I miss watching your games,
Being your number one supporter even though I never acted like it,
But I was goddamn proud to be a supporter of number 21.
I hated the way you reeked like sweat after
But I miss seeing you in your natural state,
All worked up with your hair a mess and you were so laidback that way.
If I could have my sweater smell like you in your musk, I would have it and keep it any day.
I miss how you would send me your music,
And you probably dedicated them to me,
But I just acted like I didn’t know anything.
It’s just now I can’t listen to your favorite artists without thinking of you
And I just miss you, I guess.
2. If I had a list of things that I regretted,
Your name wouldn’t be on it.
I do, however, regret not being able to spend my days with you.
I wish I tried,
I know I could have but I didn’t and I’m sorry.
If I could change what happened between us,
I would do so in a heartbeat
And if I could wish that things would go the way we wanted it to,
I would call Genie,
Ask to have more wishes,
And wish for things to be set right.
I’d hold you tight and never let go,
Get down on my knees
And pray to the god I didn’t know I believed in to let me have one more day with you so I can get everything back in order.
3. I don’t have much to say
And I guess that’s my problem.
I think too much
But I say too little.
Things that I meant to say
I never did.
I was always a believer that some things are better left unsaid,
But I guess that I need to tell you that when you left
I took you in like a sunset
I basked under your purple and orange skies
There’s a phenomenon about them,
How a green light flashes every time the sun meets the horizon
As if the two were about to kiss,
And I wanted to know if it was true.
I waited and I waited and I waited
But I never saw it;
Your sun disappeared faster than a blink of an eye
And I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
All I had left was your post-beauty
And I could only wait for the darkness to pass and for the moon to take over
But even then, I could only hope that the sun would rise faster and for the days to pass until the time I get to see you again.
4. I’m an emotional wreck
I like to think that I’m fine
But I’m a car crash,
A train wreck,
A plane crash on an open field
And I only carry the souls of those who have left me behind.
Maybe that’s why I have anxiety,
I don’t want to be alone in the ocean away from all civilization,
But they always told me that isolation’s a way to get to know yourself better,
I just don’t know if I believe in that anymore.
For ten months I relied on you,
Cried to you about stupid problems and stupid people
And you understood my cracks better than I did.
You kept me grounded when all I wanted was to be up in the clouds
But I lost you faster than the speed of an angel,
And maybe you were my angel,
Unforeseen and something from Heaven.
I just never figured it out,
Figured you out
And I wish I did when I had the chance
But I got left behind by God’s child
When I only ever wanted to be the same.
You accepted me when I felt like I didn’t belong,
Praised me when I was at my lowest
Now tell me, who’s going to replace you?
5. I know.
I know things won’t be the same no matter how hard I try to fix it.
I can try to mix all the glues together
And stick the broken vase together
But it’s not going to be smooth
And you’ll still see the cracks.
It’s sad how easily some things can be broken
And how it takes days for wounds to heal
Some may take longer to repair
But broken hearts can’t be mended no matter how hard you try,
How long you wait.
We can replace mirrors,
Replace plates,
Fix cars after a crash,
Repair planes when they malfunction,
But it’s sad how we’re only supposed to live with one heart.
They say that we were born attached to someone else,
We were born with two hearts
But we got separated
And our purpose is to find our other half.
There’s four sides to every puzzle piece
And we can fit each side to another
But the picture can only be whole when all the right sides are attached to one another.
I like to think that that was us for awhile.
We fit together perfectly
But our picture never got finished.
We stopped putting each other together because it was a childish game to play.
We were each other’s halves for awhile
But we weren’t meant for each other.
I think this was us,
But I didn’t want to believe that at the time.
I know some things are better left unsaid,
But I needed you to know these five things.
All stories have a beginning, middle, and end;
Ours was just written in letter,
And this is our post script.
to you. 