October 19, 2017

it felt like i was having an out-of-body experience. i could see everything that was going on and what exactly i was doing but i couldn’t figure out how to get a grip on myself. i was fully aware of my actions and how i was reacting to things, but i couldn’t stop myself. it was like half of my brain knew that i wasn’t reacting right, but the other half was encouraging me to keep going. you know how your body protects you when it feels something attacking you from the inside? well it felt like my brain was defying that and my whole being was attacking each other and i felt very vulnerable and not safe in my own body. it felt lonely inside my head. i already felt alone in the physical world, but feeling isolated in my own body made it even worse. with how i’ve been the past couple of months, it’s been really difficult to be okay in my own skin. i’ve hated every fiber of my being and it came to the point where i felt like i couldn’t even live with myself anymore. like i said before, during these times of self-hatred, i’ve been very aware of everything. because i began to hate myself, being aware of that fact made me resent myself even more because i knew in my soul that i shouldn’t feel that way. i let my whole being destroy itself and it’s been so exhausting. i feel like a hypocrite. last year i was telling myself to stay positive and to look at the bright side of everything, but this whole year all i could feel was resentment. i’ve neglected myself and i’m so disappointed. it’s taken me so long to even write this out because i couldn’t even figure out why i felt this way or how to even word it. this year’s been so rough on my mental and emotional well-being, but i’m trying to be better. i will get better. i promise.

x a slightly more hopeful 20 year old jaya


September 17, 2017

Update: I’m still in this weird funk, just with new memories consisting of Singapore and the Philippines. Other than that I still feel very depressed, but I’m hoping to give therapy a go during the school year.

To you

I’m sorry if I’m frustrating or if I’m too much too handle. Honestly, I can’t even handle myself. Sometimes I think too much and I can’t help but see things in a negative light, but I promise I’m trying not to think that way anymore.

I never want you to think that I don’t appreciate you or that I don’t care for you or that I don’t love you because I do. I know in my heart that I would do so much for you. I care for you so deeply, and I wish I could tell you and show in every way possible how much you mean to me, but I know that that’s impossible. If I were to lose you tomorrow, I wouldn’t know how I’ll ever get back on my feet and I know for sure I would never be the same. I never thought I’d ever get to this point in my life where I would dedicate so much of myself to someone else because, honest to god, I’m a selfish person and I only ever cared about my own happiness and wellbeing over anyone else’s. Cliché but it all kind of changed when you came around, and I’m not entirely sure why. It all just made sense, I guess. Suddenly I wanted to give you everything and try with you and make you happy. And I guess sometimes I act up and get upset because I feel like I’m not doing much or that I’m not being appreciative enough of all that you do. I know that I’m afraid to lose you. I wish I could tell you everything that scares me about relationships, but even I’m not entirely sure why I feel a certain way sometimes and I guess that’s why I get even more frustrated and mad at myself. I just don’t ever want you to think or believe that I’m mad or upset at you or that I’m blaming you for something that I’m feeling. I swear to god that I’m trying to avoid putting you at fault for anything because you’re not. I promise you that I’m trying my hardest to be more positive, to try harder to love you and make sure that you know that you are loved.

I think one of my biggest fears in relationships is feeling like I’m not doing enough, that I’m not loving someone enough. A guy that broke my heart before had wondered if I even did love him and it shattered me. I guess this is why I’m trying so hard with you because I don’t want you to feel the same way. I don’t want you to think the same thing that he did. I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you because I know I do.

You’ve given me so much light in the small amount of time that we’ve been together; I feel so much richer having you around. I promise to be better to and for you, to tell you how much you mean to me all the time, to show you my appreciation whenever and wherever.

You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I would never want to make you feel any less than you are. You deserve so much more than you were given before.

I love you to bits

and I hope you know that.

x jaya

July 9, 2017 10:13


I think I’ve been so restless lately because I don’t really have a creative outlet anymore, or I think I don’t. I’m the type of person who writes when most inspired or at my lowest, but lately I feel like everything’s been slowed down to a lull. Traveling makes me inspired. Going to new places inspires me. Learning about new cities and just taking in how beautiful the place is and how different locals’ lives are there compared to mine inspires me. I’m the type of person to be moved by experience, to be inspired by everything that’s foreign to me. Maybe that’s why I constantly miss Europe because there I was seeing how different peoples’ lives where and just taking in all of its history. I’m so bummed I’m not able to go anywhere far this summer, but I’m trying to suck it up and just not die in this California heat.

x jaya

July 2, 2017 10:14

Hi. So you know what sucks? Having a really good day then having it end kind of shitty. I mean right now it’s okay, I’m pretty fine but I’m still sad. You know what else sucks? Being sad. But you know what’s worse than that? Losing friends.

I haven’t “officially” lost this friend, but to me the friendship is lost. So much has happened with this friend over the past year, and I’ve done so much to be forgiving and understanding, especially of her situation.. but lately, it’s just been too much. Too much of me and my friends constantly trying with her, trying to understand her and be a good friend despite the hurt she has given us, trying to not be angry at her because we feel like she can change especially after the numerous times we’ve talked about it before, trying to be patient and believe that she’ll realize something at some point. But none have happened. The past couple of months I’ve gotten angry and upset about it, but never to the point where I broke down in tears until today.

Maybe today was different because I finally realized that I should stop trying to keep up this friendship when it’s not being reciprocated, when it’s always mine and my two other friends’ feelings getting hurt. It’s funny because I’ve given her this same advice about her boyfriend. That if she feels exhausted, that if she feels drained from being a part of their relationship, that if she feels like she’s the only one trying so hard to maintain it, then she should leave because a toxic relationship is something that she does not need and does not deserve. Maybe I should have realized sooner that the advice I had given her a couple months ago is something I should take into consideration right at this moment.

Toxic relationships don’t have to be specifically in regards to romantic relationships — there can also be toxic friendships and I think that this is where mine has ended up in. Yes, she might be going through a lot right now, but her situation shouldn’t excuse her shitty behavior towards me or my other friends. Just because she’s going through a tough situation doesn’t mean she should ignore her friends for no reason. Yes, during hard times it’s difficult to want to get up and do anything or to even talk to anyone, but the fact is: she blatantly ignores us and pretends like nothing is wrong. She says that she just doesn’t want to talk about it, and I get that, but she doesn’t have to. We’re not forcing her to talk about anything she’s not ready to talk about. All we ask for is her to take into consideration our feelings and for her friendship. That’s it.

The shitty thing about this whole situation is that I haven’t even talked to her about it because 1) I’ve been more angry than sad about it, 2) I don’t think confronting her via text message or call would do much, 3) I feel like she wouldn’t even give straight-forward answers or admit to her faults,  and 4) I don’t want to hurt her even though I’m hurt. This whole situation’s so shitty and so high-school, it’s almost laughable. I feel like a teenager getting upset and my only solution is to not talk about it and just ignore her and never be friends again, but I hate doing that. It’s so childish.

We’re all adults, can’t we just confront each other and be good about it?

I’m tired of losing friends for no reason, and it hurts even more because the group that she was in (me + her + two others) is the one I feel the most comfortable in. I only trust a handful of people and this group just happened to be a part of that handful. The thought of losing one of them traumatizes me, and the truth is that it’s honestly probably going to happen. And I’ve never felt more vulnerable and scared and lonely. Admitting to the fact that I’ve felt lonely this past year is already terrifying, but losing a friend and intensifying that feeling is even more so.

x jaya


have faith in me
especially on days i feel like the world is giving up on me
sometimes the cup feels empty
like the ocean dried up
said i can’t have any more to fill my cup full

would you still love me
on days i don’t want to see the sun
when getting up is too difficult
my muscles gave up
trying to push my bones back up

will you have enough
to love the both of us
on days my heart feels empty
my soul feels barren

will you have faith in me
until god feels like i’m worthy?

July 1, 2017 11:17

So yesterday I drove to Irvine by myself because I had a doctor’s appointment at 10 am. I got to the doctor’s at around 9:20 and I finished my appointment right at 10 and I headed home, but I hit traffic as soon as I got on the 405 north. I was expecting some traffic at that time but this was a standstill, so I got curious and went on waze and read conversations between other people on the freeway and all of them had said that there was a plane that crashed on 405 south, right next to the MacArthur exit, which is a couple of exits before mine. As I was driving past the airplane, I couldn’t help but think of what could have happened and how even small decisions are actually pretty big. I had planned on leaving my house around 8:30-8:40 ish, which would have led me to being on 405 south right when the airplane would have crashed, which was around 9:30. Driving to Irvine, I was also planning on going on 73 but decided not to, so I would have avoided the whole thing completely even if I lagged back at home. Heading back home I was going to avoid the 405 completely and go straight on the 5 so I would have not known about the whole crash in the first place. Decisions are weird. Life is weird. What if I had gone with my first choice, you know? What if I decided to lag back at home and gotten on the 405 and seen the crash happen?? or like what if I got hit or something? I don’t know. I’ve always hated me being indecisive but sometimes it really does help somehow.

x jaya