to my writing:

i have missed you so, so, so much.

you have been my everything, but i neglected you. my fingers have been itching to write, but i think i’ve been too afraid of my own thoughts and feelings that i couldn’t face them.

i miss writing. i miss being in touch with my emotions. i miss being vulnerable and raw and letting everyone see what’s inside my brain. lately i’ve been too scared to let them out because they hurt, because they’re too much for me to handle.

the past month’s been difficult for me and i’m not even sure why, but i feel like i can get back to how it used to be. i have to. i need to let myself be vulnerable again.

x jaya

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June 7, 2017

I apologize if I’ve done you wrong. I know I’m not the best and sometimes this feeling of worthlessness gets to the best of me. It’s not your fault, and I would never blame you for me feeling this way because it all comes down to me anyway. I apologize if I’m hard to get to or if I’m hard to understand. I just hate speaking and talking about my problems because I think that I’m being dumb for feeling a certain way anyway. I hate complaining. I know I have nothing to complain about. After all, I have a lot of things that others might not have, so why should I? But it’s tiring. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not doing anything worth my while. I haven’t written in so long. I haven’t made art. I haven’t made anything that I’m proud of. The things that I used to be passionate about, I don’t even have the energy to try and do them.

I’m trying. To be better, I think. Maybe writing this out is the first step.

x jaya

May 16, 2017

Hi, so lately I’ve been really unmotivated and inspired which explains why I haven’t been writing much. I haven’t even been writing down what I’ve been doing each day like I was hoping I would do this year. I don’t even know why I’m in this funk right now, but I hate it and I don’t really know what to do except to write about it because sometimes talking about it to other people is even harder than admitting to it. I honestly don’t even know what to write.

x jaya

capsize

the love i’ve had and have given,
i give them all to you
it was childish to be afraid of something so divine
i was wading in cold water
waiting for a reason to dive right in
and darling
you’ve given me all that i could have wished for

do you ever wonder what it’s like to touch the edges of the universe?
cause i’ll give that to you and so much more
and when you’re afraid to move beyond this space
i’ll find new constellations for you to look up to

sweetheart
i think i’ve traced infinities on your back
wrote love letters down your skin
left promises on your lips
made it seem like eternity exists
and when you’ve grasped onto the fear of losing yourself
i only hope to loosen your fingertips
and hold them against my own

if i could keep you with me
wherever place i go
i would do so in a heartbeat
because i wanna see how far this goes
and where it’ll end up
i’m sure this road will be neverending
because i’ve felt forever
in the way that you hold me
especially at night when the lights are low
when the moon is up
and the only thing to judge us is the darkness
felt it in the way
your kisses make me feel holy
the way your fingertips make me feel
like i’ve been cleansed of all my sins
darling
i could live a hundred lives
and still fall in love with the way that you smile
still wish on the stars that you would catch me every time
and know this is all worthwhile

and if you asked me if i love you
i’d tell you
we coexist like the sun and moon
i’m only brighter when you’re around
and baby
i think
i think i’d love you as long as the sun’s in the sky
and promise to love you much longer than that

march 12, 2017 12:33

hello me in the future.

i just want to give you an update of what’s been going on this past quarter. it’s week 10 of winter quarter of your 2nd year of college. you’re currently dating someone who you’re really into and who’s equally as into you and it’s pretty fucking great. who knows where this is goin but all you know is that it’s only been a month in or something and this feels good. like not even a little puppy love typa thing, but more like a “damn i got a good one and he’s someone i wanna try with” typa thing. like it’s literally only been a month but it feels like y’all have been together for a loooong time typa thing.

and maybe the difference between this one and the last one is you know how much you can give to someone, how much  you can love someone, how far you’re willing to go and how much you’re willing to sacrifice for someone. it’s different because you’re no longer that dumb, selfish, immature teenager fresh out of high school that doesn’t know what she wants from anyone.

and it’s weird. cause you didn’t even want to be in a relationship this year. partly because you were afraid of getting caught up with someone and messing them up and messing yourself up. but with this one, there wasn’t even any hesitation on your part on whether or not you would let yourself fall – you kind of just did and you have no problem with it whatsoever.

to whoever else that’s reading this:

you deserve someone who cares for you and loves you regardless of all your little flaws and insecurities. you deserve someone who looks at you like you’re the damn world and you deserve someone you can look at and be confident that they love you as much as you love them. it’s about wanting to grow with someone and to cater to their happiness, not to their needs. it’s about being able to lose grip on that fear of not being in control of your feelings, of being afraid of having feelings. it’s about taking all those risks and hoping they’re in the same position as you. nothing’s better than having someone to ride the tides with because having done that by yourself multiple times before has been exhausting. but this time it’s different.

if you had the chance to fall again, would you?
my response to this: yes. a million times over.

x a 20 year old in love

atlas

you snatched the smile out of her eyes
pocketed it and called it loose change
her happiness was something you took for granted
thought it was something you could play around with

you are undeserving of all that she is
and all that she can be
you’re the weight on her shoulders,
the one she declared her world
you kept her grounded
when she was worth more than the earth you stepped on

you pull her down when all she wanted
was to lift you high up
when she fell from the burden you placed on her
you hesitated to catch her
said gravity was at fault
for all that you put her through

give the change to someone
more worthy of all that she is
and all that she can be
the one who won’t prevent her
from reaching the skies with the tips of her fingers

she deserves more than the world
she deserves the universe