To you

I’m sorry if I’m frustrating or if I’m too much too handle. Honestly, I can’t even handle myself. Sometimes I think too much and I can’t help but see things in a negative light, but I promise I’m trying not to think that way anymore.

I never want you to think that I don’t appreciate you or that I don’t care for you or that I don’t love you because I do. I know in my heart that I would do so much for you. I care for you so deeply, and I wish I could tell you and show in every way possible how much you mean to me, but I know that that’s impossible. If I were to lose you tomorrow, I wouldn’t know how I’ll ever get back on my feet and I know for sure I would never be the same. I never thought I’d ever get to this point in my life where I would dedicate so much of myself to someone else because, honest to god, I’m a selfish person and I only ever cared about my own happiness and wellbeing over anyone else’s. Cliché but it all kind of changed when you came around, and I’m not entirely sure why. It all just made sense, I guess. Suddenly I wanted to give you everything and try with you and make you happy. And I guess sometimes I act up and get upset because I feel like I’m not doing much or that I’m not being appreciative enough of all that you do. I know that I’m afraid to lose you. I wish I could tell you everything that scares me about relationships, but even I’m not entirely sure why I feel a certain way sometimes and I guess that’s why I get even more frustrated and mad at myself. I just don’t ever want you to think or believe that I’m mad or upset at you or that I’m blaming you for something that I’m feeling. I swear to god that I’m trying to avoid putting you at fault for anything because you’re not. I promise you that I’m trying my hardest to be more positive, to try harder to love you and make sure that you know that you are loved.

I think one of my biggest fears in relationships is feeling like I’m not doing enough, that I’m not loving someone enough. A guy that broke my heart before had wondered if I even did love him and it shattered me. I guess this is why I’m trying so hard with you because I don’t want you to feel the same way. I don’t want you to think the same thing that he did. I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you because I know I do.

You’ve given me so much light in the small amount of time that we’ve been together; I feel so much richer having you around. I promise to be better to and for you, to tell you how much you mean to me all the time, to show you my appreciation whenever and wherever.

You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I would never want to make you feel any less than you are. You deserve so much more than you were given before.

I love you to bits

and I hope you know that.

x jaya


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