July 2, 2017 10:14

Hi. So you know what sucks? Having a really good day then having it end kind of shitty. I mean right now it’s okay, I’m pretty fine but I’m still sad. You know what else sucks? Being sad. But you know what’s worse than that? Losing friends.

I haven’t “officially” lost this friend, but to me the friendship is lost. So much has happened with this friend over the past year, and I’ve done so much to be forgiving and understanding, especially of her situation.. but lately, it’s just been too much. Too much of me and my friends constantly trying with her, trying to understand her and be a good friend despite the hurt she has given us, trying to not be angry at her because we feel like she can change especially after the numerous times we’ve talked about it before, trying to be patient and believe that she’ll realize something at some point. But none have happened. The past couple of months I’ve gotten angry and upset about it, but never to the point where I broke down in tears until today.

Maybe today was different because I finally realized that I should stop trying to keep up this friendship when it’s not being reciprocated, when it’s always mine and my two other friends’ feelings getting hurt. It’s funny because I’ve given her this same advice about her boyfriend. That if she feels exhausted, that if she feels drained from being a part of their relationship, that if she feels like she’s the only one trying so hard to maintain it, then she should leave because a toxic relationship is something that she does not need and does not deserve. Maybe I should have realized sooner that the advice I had given her a couple months ago is something I should take into consideration right at this moment.

Toxic relationships don’t have to be specifically in regards to romantic relationships — there can also be toxic friendships and I think that this is where mine has ended up in. Yes, she might be going through a lot right now, but her situation shouldn’t excuse her shitty behavior towards me or my other friends. Just because she’s going through a tough situation doesn’t mean she should ignore her friends for no reason. Yes, during hard times it’s difficult to want to get up and do anything or to even talk to anyone, but the fact is: she blatantly ignores us and pretends like nothing is wrong. She says that she just doesn’t want to talk about it, and I get that, but she doesn’t have to. We’re not forcing her to talk about anything she’s not ready to talk about. All we ask for is her to take into consideration our feelings and for her friendship. That’s it.

The shitty thing about this whole situation is that I haven’t even talked to her about it because 1) I’ve been more angry than sad about it, 2) I don’t think confronting her via text message or call would do much, 3) I feel like she wouldn’t even give straight-forward answers or admit to her faults,  and 4) I don’t want to hurt her even though I’m hurt. This whole situation’s so shitty and so high-school, it’s almost laughable. I feel like a teenager getting upset and my only solution is to not talk about it and just ignore her and never be friends again, but I hate doing that. It’s so childish.

We’re all adults, can’t we just confront each other and be good about it?

I’m tired of losing friends for no reason, and it hurts even more because the group that she was in (me + her + two others) is the one I feel the most comfortable in. I only trust a handful of people and this group just happened to be a part of that handful. The thought of losing one of them traumatizes me, and the truth is that it’s honestly probably going to happen. And I’ve never felt more vulnerable and scared and lonely. Admitting to the fact that I’ve felt lonely this past year is already terrifying, but losing a friend and intensifying that feeling is even more so.

x jaya

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