dreams & aspirations

i’ve always wondered about the what-ifs. like what if i stayed in dance when i was younger and got super passionate about it that i wanted to go to dance school and eventually made it my career? i guess i’m a little jealous of people who have done something at such a young age and made it their passion and were encouraged to make a career out of it; like i wish i had something like that because i’ve felt so lost all the time trying to figure out what i’m passionate about. and i know for a fact that if i had a hobby at a young age and catered to it, i would have done all i could to make it my career because when i love something, i give my all to it. none of that half-assed attempts or whatever. i remember they used to ask us all the time in elementary what we wanted to be when we were older and i always said i wanted to become a choreographer. i loved dancing, and i wasn’t all that great obviously (because i didn’t stay in dance class or anything like that), but i remember that it was something i always loved to do. i just always wondered what could have happened if i kept that going. maybe i could have went to dance school in New York or something. but then i also realized that my life would be crazy different it went the way i want it to. i wouldn’t be friends with the people i’m friends with now, i probably would be looking at life a different way. i just wouldn’t be the same, and that’s scary to think about. and this is true for every tiny “what-if”. like what if i didn’t go to the schools that i went to? then i wouldn’t have met my best friends. what if i stuck to MSMU and did nursing instead of what i’m trying to do now? there’s so many “what-ifs” and it’s cool to think about sometimes, but it’s also weird to think about how different my life would be and that’s just too odd for me.

anyways, besides the what-ifs, i have a lot of dreams and aspirations in me. just things i hope to do or things that i wish could happen. like i wish i can travel. anywhere. wish i could get enough money and just book a trip somewhere far or something, whether it be just san francisco or seattle or chicago or new york or vancouver or singapore or london, i don’t know, but i know that my biggest goal is to have enough money where i can just buy a ticket and go. another dream of mine is to just move out of california and live somewhere different, either by myself or with a friend. particularly a city because i’m in love with city lights and walking around at night. and i dream of sitting in coffee shops and just listening to my thoughts and writing about it. and i dream to write and write and write. everywhere and anywhere. on used up napkins. in old, dusty books. on the palms of lovers. and i dream of loving people. in every way possible and making writing from them and learning from them. and i want to feel everything all at once, the capacity to love fully and be vulnerable. to be naked and raw, with the sunrise on my skin, and just all of it. i’ve been craving to be more honest, open and vulnerable with everyone and everything. to stop hiding behind how i want people to see me. why not be raw and feel powerful and beautiful through that? i wish for people to see what i can be, to see how i am and be ok with it and i hope that they can be okay with themselves too. it’s okay to be vulnerable. it’s a bit paradoxical: to be vulnerable but to feel powerful by being vulnerable. but that’s something i want to be. and i want to be inspired by everything. to stop taking things for granted and appreciate them and i hope to keep dreaming and wishing and finding the motivation to cater to those needs that i have, because i’m tired of what-ifs. i wanna make it happen

x jaya

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