July 29, 2016 12:01

So I said I would try to write every day… and technically it’s a new day, but I haven’t slept yet so it doesn’t count!!

But seriously. What are you scared of at this moment?

It’s almost the beginning of August, which means that you’re going to be in your second year of college in just one month and a 20 year old in just two. Crazy how time flies by right? Just a year ago you were probably just worried about buying dorm supplies and were pumped about Orientation. Now you’re almost an adult, and, shit, fuck are you scared.

Adulthood is scary. Like I said before, kids want so badly to be an adult, but it’s not the responsibility that they crave.. No, they just want the independence, the freedom to do whatever they want, whenever they want because they can and they have no one to tell them no. But honestly, I haven’t even hit actual adulthood yet, but I’m stressed. I’ve only touched the surface of it, felt the edges of responsibility, and let me tell you, it’s not fun.

But you’re still young.. Why are you stressing out about it?

Why shouldn’t I? Yes, technically I’m still a teenager, and I still feel like a child most of the time, but why shouldn’t I be concerned about my future? Why shouldn’t I be thinking about adulthood and why shouldn’t I be worried about my responsibilities that won’t even arrive right away? I still have a lot of time to grow up and be responsible, but why not start right now? And I know I shouldn’t really care about what other people my age are doing, but it makes me so angry when I see others just do whatever they want. It seems like they’re so carefree and aren’t stressing about the shit that I’m stressing over, but then again I don’t know who they are or what they’re going through. I’m not even mad that they seem carefree, I’m just mad that I can’t be like them. I want to be able to not care for a second and just do whatever that I want, but I know that that’s not something I can or am willing to do.

Conversations in my household lately have been about very adult topics, and I’ve never realized how clueless I’ve been about the problems going on in my family. I’m kind of ashamed, really, because I want to know more about what everyone’s going through, but sometimes I’m a little too concerned about my life that I forget my family’s going through crap too. But I mean I can’t really blame myself either because I’m usually the last to know about anything going on in my family because I’m the youngest so they don’t think I should be apart of the conversation.. or when they talk about work, I kind of turn away because it doesn’t really concern me.. and my family doesn’t really talk about their feelings much so I honestly wouldn’t blame myself for not realizing anything sooner. But anyways, I guess since I’ve been spending a lot of time with my family lately and actually listening in on the conversations, I’m actually seeing the problems. I guess what I’m trying to get as is that I’m officially being an adult because I’m starting to realize that I’m relating more to their problems than the problems other people my age are having. Like I’m getting concerned over finances, I’m trying to find a job, I’m trying to set goals, I’m becoming more involved in the conversations my family have, etc. I just feel adult and it’s so terrifying.

But it’s not just adulthood I’m scared of. I’m scared to fuck up. To be clueless. To be too dependent on other people. To feel like I’m not doing anything. So yes, maybe I shouldn’t stress too much right now since I still have a lot of time, but honestly, I’m kind of proud of myself for even worrying. Because if I don’t care now, then when will I? I don’t want to realize things too late and have to struggle with those responsibilities. I want to build a foundation for myself. I want to be able to go into my 20s financially stable, with a clear head on my shoulders, with good relationships with those most important to me. I want to be a stable adult.

This year’s going to go by so quick and before you know it, you’re already graduating. Realize things now, and do something about it right now.

So what’s your plan?

I don’t have a plan, I only have a skeleton of what I want this upcoming year to be like and it’ll probably go like this:

  • Start looking for jobs (for the school year) now. Apply beginning of August.
  • Save, save, save, but most importantly: budget. Don’t spend your paychecks or allowance right away. Every time you get paid, put away half into your savings.
  • Keep track of your expenses, especially all of your necessary payments. Write down how much you need to pay and make sure you have enough to pay for those bills and then some.
  • When fall quarter starts, go to Welcome Week and find your niche. Join clubs. Do volunteer work. Talk to people. Just step out of your comfort zone and be willing to do things you wouldn’t normally do.
  • Find internships. Find volunteer work. But most importantly: find time for yourself, your friends, your family, but most importantly your schoolwork.
  • Speaking of school: use your planner and make goals every week. Study hard. Honestly, you may not get as much sleep this year or for the next two-three years, but hard work will pay off.

Basically, I’m just pushing myself to work harder. To complain less. To worry less and take things in stride. I just want to do whatever it takes to build my future and I know I can do it. Who cares if I get less sleep? I need to start being responsible and do whatever I can do now before I can’t do it later. Work hard first, then play later.

x Jaya

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